Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus...

Well, Midnight Mass has been over for hours, the presents are (finally) all wrapped, the kids are asleep, and I have a few minutes alone with my thoughts as I fall into my Christmas slumber (short as it will be, before the inevitable 6am wake-up call...). In this quiet time, I realize that I've been dreading this Christmas for the last several years. I did not know it would be this particular Christmas, but I have known that it was coming...a Christmas that will be filled with "lasts" as my oldest prepares to go to off to college, and my youngest makes the transition from true believer to Elf. The morning light will bring a Christmas filled with joy but also with some sorrow. I know Christmas can be like that, but this year seems different.

One of my family's Christmas traditions is to read a letter from Santa Claus--before we open presents. Every Christmas that I can remember has included a message from Mr. C. At first, his letter was written to my brother, sisters and me, but more recently Mr. Claus' letter has been addressed to my children (and sometimes me). Year-in and year-out, the content of these letters has largely been the same... Santa always thanks us for his eggnog and cookies (and whatever goodies we left for Rudolph and company). He always mentions the decorations, and how good the house/tree look. He tells us we have been pretty good "kids" (but still admonishes us to try and be better), and then he thanks us for believing, and challenges us to continue to do so.

I couldn't help but wonder, as I finished wrapping our presents tonight, if this year's Santa message would be any different. After all, the youngest of my children (who is almost 11 as I write this) has gone from being an absolute believer in Santa Claus to being a Christmas Elf. To be honest, I think she has known, since well before last Christmas, but was pretending not to know "the secret" for my sake -- For a number of years, she was convinced that the little boy in the Polar Express story was me (which, to be fair, I will admit to believing as well). But I was worried that she would be more than a little disappointed once I explained to her the historic Saint Nicholas, and what he has meant to generations of people.

At the same time, my oldest daughter is a high school senior this year, and she is already getting ready to leave the roost for college. I know she will be home for the holidays, but I admit to feeling a little melancholy knowing that this is a "last Christmas" for us in that regard as well. I am sad to think that my chief elf will be 3,000 miles away during much of the holiday season next year, but I do know that no matter how far she roams, there's still no place like home...

That sentiment is especially true at Christmas-time. This season has always been a magical and special time for me, and I hope for my children too. But I can't help but think that this Christmas (and those in the future) will be different now that my youngest is an Elf. I am worried that our traditions will fall by the way-side, and that "things will be different". But why? Many, maybe even most, of my best holiday memories come from the kitchen and my Mom's wonderful cookie recipes. Those aren't dependent upon the magic of Santa. When I look back, I can see how my Mom did a terrific job of making the holidays special in so many ways. I hope that I have done half as good a job for my kids as she has did for my brother, sisters and me.

Looking back at all of the holiday memories my Mom gave me, the most important was teach me to really believe in the magic of Christmas. So, let me state for the record, that I do truly believe in Santa Claus. I believe that he embodies the magic of Christmas, and I am proud to come from a long line of true believers. To this day, I continue to believe with all of my heart and soul, and to paraphrase Chris Van Allsburg, I can still hear his sleigh bell after all these years...

Part of the reason for my belief is that "becoming an Elf" in my family is a big deal. I still remember how upset my Mom was the day that I came home crying, because a neighbor kid told me that Santa Claus wasn't real. I was just a five or six year-old in Kindergarten/First Grade, and part of the reason she was upset was because her first son was still "too young" to know the secret...But, my Mom took this as an opportunity to induct me to our family's fraternity of Elves. From then on, it was my duty to keep the magic alive for my younger brother and sisters. To continue Saint Nicholas' good works.

I have had this same conversation with each of my children over the years. While the conversation has never ever gotten any easier, each of my children have taken up the banner and grown into pretty good elves -- I certainly have reason to be proud. So, why did I think it would be different this year? I'm still not sure, but I decided to try and prepare for the conversation with my youngest anyway. To that end, I thought I would look for some blogger inspiration -- after all, somewhere, someplace other parents have had the same conversations with their sons and daughters, so there is bound to be some good advice out there...

I have to say that I was immediately dismayed by the (somewhat overwhelming) number of blog posts and comments from parents who feel that the Santa Claus tradition isn't much more than a lie. It could have been my feeble search skills, but the conventional wisdom on this matter seems to be that these adult bloggers either don't want their children to accuse them of lying (seeing it as hypocritical), or they are worried that when revealing "the secret" about Santa Claus, their kids will question veracity of their belief about God and Jesus.

Personally, I find these lines of reasoning to be a bunch of hooey. Parents who have good relationships with their children, shouldn't be worried about being called liars. Part of any good parent-child relationship is how they communicate with each other about important subjects (and yes, I think this is one of those). Often times good communication is about good listening. Actively listening to your children's responses will reduce the chance of misunderstanding, dissatisfaction and discontent that your child may have upon learning this secret.

At the same time, I strongly believe that how you answer the inevitable follow-up questions, the kind that always arise like "what about the Tooth Fairy?" or "what about Jesus?" will have a lot more to do with a child's future religious beliefs. Belief has never been about what you can see, nor what you you are told. Which is why I titled this blog entry after Francis Pharcellus Church's editorial message to Virginia O'Hanlon. Back in 1897, Church got it right when he wrote to Virginia about believing:

Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

While I realize that I am simply a focus group of one, I can't remember being upset with my Mom because she had "lied" to me about Santa Claus. In fact, after getting over the shock of the revelation, I really enjoyed being part of my family's Christmas Elf tradition. And to be completely honest, my belief in Santa Claus has grown stronger since I was enlisted into the fraternity, as has my faith.

In a very round-about-way, I have already answered my question about how to discuss the secret with my daughter. The conversation took place several weeks ago, but followed the same script that my mom used with me, and the same one I used with my two older children. I am sure my daughter was a little upset when I introduced her to our family's Elf tradition, but even though she doesn't have a younger sibling (to keep the secret for) she ended up being a great Elf all during this Christmas season. I am so proud, and glad, that she has become one of my family's long line of believers.

However, if you really find yourself at a loss when it comes to explaining Santa Claus, I highly recommend Mary Anne Kamol's book The Secret of Saint Nicholas, which does a great job of blending the Bishop of Myra history along with Christmas gift-giving, to keep the magic of Christmas honest. She has done, in book form what my Mom did for me (and I hope I have done for my children) initiating the readers into the privileged fraternity of elves and as keepers of one of Santa's true secrets -- the secret only older children may know.

Although I started off lamenting that this was a Christmas of "lasts" for our family, I can now see that it is as much a Christmas of firsts. At once a new beginning and a continuation of tradition for both my youngest and oldest. It is also an opportunity for my son, the middle child, to step up and take his place as chief elf in our family tradition. I believe, with all my heart, that this will be the first of many new and bright Christmases to come...

To that end, I think I will sign off with a quote from the letter Santa Claus left for my children this year... 

I thank each of you for keeping me in your heart all throughout the year. Until I see you again -- have a very Merry Christmas, and remember, always believe! 

Love always!

Mr. C.

Two lumps of coal?!

Dutch St. Nick by artist Ila LaFever

Probably my favorite holiday tradition, one that is a little unique to my family (which, looking back, is probably the reason I love it so much), is our annual celebration of St. Nicholas Day on December 6th. Every year, St. Nicholas visits our house on the night of December 5th.  During his visit, he fills our stockings with candies, fruits, and nuts. There is usually a book, a game and a Christmas Tree ornament included in the stash St. Nick brings for us. He also tends to add a stuffed animal along with some school supplies, toiletries, and other "essentials" (underwear and socks in particular). Most of these St. Nicholas gifts are meant to be shared, not hoarded for oneself (so most of the candies, nuts and fruit get co-mingled right away, and used throughout Advent).

St. Nicholas also takes the time to write us a letter each year. The letter is filled with praise for each family member, praise for all of the good things they have done that year, and how they are growing (or have grown) into wonderful young adults. But the letter always ends with a "however." In that paragraph, St. Nick reminds us that we can always be a little bit better, that there are things to improve upon for the next year, and that doing so is our gift back to him.

I know that the kids enjoy this special holiday tradition (as I did when I was their age) in part because very few other people we know celebrate St. Nicholas Day, and that makes it more special (even if they have to explain it to their friends every year). But also, because St. Nick's letter serves to make each of the children each feel special and unique -- which is the part I really like.

So, for those of you who are St. Nick noobs (and if you are, be sure to check out the St. Nicholas Center) here is a crash course...the historic Nicholas was born on the southern coast of what is now modern-day Turkey. He was born into a wealthy Greek family, and was raised to be a devout Christian. When his parents died in an epidemic, the young Nicholas followed Jesus' word to "sell what you own and give the money to the poor," and spent his inheritance to assist the needy, sick and suffering. He became the Bishop of Myra early in the 4th Century, and had a reputation for secret gift-giving.

Although the celebration of St. Nicholas Day is largely unknown in the the United States, there are some enclaves where the tradition carries on. In particular a large swath of the Midwest, between Chicago (where my family is from) and Milwaukee, celebrate St. Nicholas Day each year, in addition to any communities with large populations of Dutch descendants, and it is that tradition that my family largely follows...

In much of Europe (both Christian and Orthodox), parties are held on the eve of St. Nicholas' feast, December 5th, and shoes or stockings left for St. Nicholas to fill during the night. Good children will find treats of small gifts, fruit or nuts, and special Nicholas candies and cookies. This is especially true in The Netherlands, where my grandfather's family is from. In the Dutch tradition, St. Nicholas arrives on a boat from Spain, with his white horse, and servant "Zwarte Pieten". The trio (how can you possibly separate St. Nick from his horse?!) travel the countryside filling the wooden shoes (or at my house their Christmas stockings) of good children, with treats and small toys, but leaving lumps of coal for children who haven't been so well behaved!

Illustration from envelope, Bar-le-Duc, France

Candy, toys, and treats, what could be better than a visit from St. Nick? Yet each and every year, St. Nicholas (unwittingly) fosters some level of angst prior to visiting our house. This has much to do with those lumps of coal. You see, in my family, there is plenty of grey. No one is (or really can be) all good, or all bad, hence the "however" clause in St. Nicholas' letter. In addition to his words, St. Nicholas often leaves things that (he hopes) will remind the kids (and adults) to try and be better people every day of the year. These "naughty" tokens include potatoes, onions and yes, lumps of coal (and my kids would argue the underwear and toiletries as well)...

The problem, that seems to crop up each year, is that while there are four of us in the house -- St. Nick always seems to have five lumps of coal to distribute when he arrives... As a result, my kids have come to see getting the second lump of coal as a "sign" from St. Nick that they have been particularly naughty (at least in comparison to their siblings). Which of course leads to arguments and additional naughty behavior that clearly is not desirable.

Over the last few years, I know that St. Nick has struggled to try and figure out what to do... The first, most obvious solution, was to get rid of one of the lumps of coal. Easy enough, but the one year he tried that, the kids figured him out, and decided to line up their lumps and see who had the biggest lump of coal (because the two smallest lumps are roughly equal to the largest lump in size/mass). Clearly that person was the naughtiest one this year... oi vey!

This year, I am sure St. Nick planned to use a more empirical methodology. Certainly he knows, as do I, which of the kids was most troublesome this year - doesn't he? Perhaps one of the kids is really more deserving of an extra lump this year...Well, my oldest daughter can be quite bossy, and just this week tried to bully her little sister into "behaving" in a certain way (so as not to be embarrassed by her). That would qualify as naughty, but does it deserve a lump of coal? I'm not sure, that seems more like a "two onion" infraction. My son, on the other hand, just this week didn't do the dishes when I asked him to, and decided to fight with me about doing them when I re-asked him to do them. Hmmm, that one seems more like an extra potato offense. Well, what about my youngest daughter? She tried to get her brother into trouble just today, by tattling on him... is that worthy of an extra lump of coal? Maybe not... but I think and extra pair of underwear would be in order!

Wow, I started to realize just how tough it is for St. Nick to do his job! Before bed last night, I thought a lot about what he might do, but it was late, and I was tired, so I left my thoughts until morning. I knew that reading St. Nick's letter to the kids in the morning would reveal how he decided to assign coal lump number 5...

Morning came too early today, and my youngest was up bouncing on the bed and begging me to go downstairs so she could open her stocking. All of the kids know that before we open St. Nick's presents we have to read his letter together. So they sat on the couch and I began to read. The letter went over well, the kids nodded and smiled, surely St. Nick got things right this year! Even the "however" paragraphs got nods of approval, until the last one, which was directed to me, and read:

You have done such a good job taking care of the kids and making sure that they are growing up well, and I am very proud of you for that.

However, sometimes you have the tendency to want all of the children to be a little more grown up than they really are (which is why you get the extra lump of coal this year...). Remember, they are all good kids, and while they sometimes make mistakes, so do we all. This year, I would like to see you use your big heart to relax and enjoy the kids, in the moment. To not worry so much about everything having to be just, equal, and fair, just enjoy them for who, what, and where they are.

Until next year, I love you all,

St. Nick

St. Nick's words to me are very true. This holiday season, and for the rest of the year, I promise to do my best to live up to his "however."

St. Nicholas Day is one of those traditions that was passed down from my Mom to me. It connects me to my extended family, our cultural heritage (a little bit at least), and makes me remember many of the good times I had growing up (thank you Mom and St. Nick). Our celebration has also has created some wonderful memories for my children, and me. Despite (or maybe because of) St. Nick's "however" this year, I really hope that I am passing on, to my three children, what my Mom created for me. I hope that they will look back and continue the St. Nicholas tradition for their (future) families and have years and years of fond memories as well.

Hey, and maybe next year, I'll only get one lump of coal :)