Two lumps of coal?!

Dutch St. Nick by artist Ila LaFever

Probably my favorite holiday tradition, one that is a little unique to my family (which, looking back, is probably the reason I love it so much), is our annual celebration of St. Nicholas Day on December 6th. Every year, St. Nicholas visits our house on the night of December 5th.  During his visit, he fills our stockings with candies, fruits, and nuts. There is usually a book, a game and a Christmas Tree ornament included in the stash St. Nick brings for us. He also tends to add a stuffed animal along with some school supplies, toiletries, and other "essentials" (underwear and socks in particular). Most of these St. Nicholas gifts are meant to be shared, not hoarded for oneself (so most of the candies, nuts and fruit get co-mingled right away, and used throughout Advent).

St. Nicholas also takes the time to write us a letter each year. The letter is filled with praise for each family member, praise for all of the good things they have done that year, and how they are growing (or have grown) into wonderful young adults. But the letter always ends with a "however." In that paragraph, St. Nick reminds us that we can always be a little bit better, that there are things to improve upon for the next year, and that doing so is our gift back to him.

I know that the kids enjoy this special holiday tradition (as I did when I was their age) in part because very few other people we know celebrate St. Nicholas Day, and that makes it more special (even if they have to explain it to their friends every year). But also, because St. Nick's letter serves to make each of the children each feel special and unique -- which is the part I really like.

So, for those of you who are St. Nick noobs (and if you are, be sure to check out the St. Nicholas Center) here is a crash course...the historic Nicholas was born on the southern coast of what is now modern-day Turkey. He was born into a wealthy Greek family, and was raised to be a devout Christian. When his parents died in an epidemic, the young Nicholas followed Jesus' word to "sell what you own and give the money to the poor," and spent his inheritance to assist the needy, sick and suffering. He became the Bishop of Myra early in the 4th Century, and had a reputation for secret gift-giving.

Although the celebration of St. Nicholas Day is largely unknown in the the United States, there are some enclaves where the tradition carries on. In particular a large swath of the Midwest, between Chicago (where my family is from) and Milwaukee, celebrate St. Nicholas Day each year, in addition to any communities with large populations of Dutch descendants, and it is that tradition that my family largely follows...

In much of Europe (both Christian and Orthodox), parties are held on the eve of St. Nicholas' feast, December 5th, and shoes or stockings left for St. Nicholas to fill during the night. Good children will find treats of small gifts, fruit or nuts, and special Nicholas candies and cookies. This is especially true in The Netherlands, where my grandfather's family is from. In the Dutch tradition, St. Nicholas arrives on a boat from Spain, with his white horse, and servant "Zwarte Pieten". The trio (how can you possibly separate St. Nick from his horse?!) travel the countryside filling the wooden shoes (or at my house their Christmas stockings) of good children, with treats and small toys, but leaving lumps of coal for children who haven't been so well behaved!

Illustration from envelope, Bar-le-Duc, France

Candy, toys, and treats, what could be better than a visit from St. Nick? Yet each and every year, St. Nicholas (unwittingly) fosters some level of angst prior to visiting our house. This has much to do with those lumps of coal. You see, in my family, there is plenty of grey. No one is (or really can be) all good, or all bad, hence the "however" clause in St. Nicholas' letter. In addition to his words, St. Nicholas often leaves things that (he hopes) will remind the kids (and adults) to try and be better people every day of the year. These "naughty" tokens include potatoes, onions and yes, lumps of coal (and my kids would argue the underwear and toiletries as well)...

The problem, that seems to crop up each year, is that while there are four of us in the house -- St. Nick always seems to have five lumps of coal to distribute when he arrives... As a result, my kids have come to see getting the second lump of coal as a "sign" from St. Nick that they have been particularly naughty (at least in comparison to their siblings). Which of course leads to arguments and additional naughty behavior that clearly is not desirable.

Over the last few years, I know that St. Nick has struggled to try and figure out what to do... The first, most obvious solution, was to get rid of one of the lumps of coal. Easy enough, but the one year he tried that, the kids figured him out, and decided to line up their lumps and see who had the biggest lump of coal (because the two smallest lumps are roughly equal to the largest lump in size/mass). Clearly that person was the naughtiest one this year... oi vey!

This year, I am sure St. Nick planned to use a more empirical methodology. Certainly he knows, as do I, which of the kids was most troublesome this year - doesn't he? Perhaps one of the kids is really more deserving of an extra lump this year...Well, my oldest daughter can be quite bossy, and just this week tried to bully her little sister into "behaving" in a certain way (so as not to be embarrassed by her). That would qualify as naughty, but does it deserve a lump of coal? I'm not sure, that seems more like a "two onion" infraction. My son, on the other hand, just this week didn't do the dishes when I asked him to, and decided to fight with me about doing them when I re-asked him to do them. Hmmm, that one seems more like an extra potato offense. Well, what about my youngest daughter? She tried to get her brother into trouble just today, by tattling on him... is that worthy of an extra lump of coal? Maybe not... but I think and extra pair of underwear would be in order!

Wow, I started to realize just how tough it is for St. Nick to do his job! Before bed last night, I thought a lot about what he might do, but it was late, and I was tired, so I left my thoughts until morning. I knew that reading St. Nick's letter to the kids in the morning would reveal how he decided to assign coal lump number 5...

Morning came too early today, and my youngest was up bouncing on the bed and begging me to go downstairs so she could open her stocking. All of the kids know that before we open St. Nick's presents we have to read his letter together. So they sat on the couch and I began to read. The letter went over well, the kids nodded and smiled, surely St. Nick got things right this year! Even the "however" paragraphs got nods of approval, until the last one, which was directed to me, and read:

You have done such a good job taking care of the kids and making sure that they are growing up well, and I am very proud of you for that.

However, sometimes you have the tendency to want all of the children to be a little more grown up than they really are (which is why you get the extra lump of coal this year...). Remember, they are all good kids, and while they sometimes make mistakes, so do we all. This year, I would like to see you use your big heart to relax and enjoy the kids, in the moment. To not worry so much about everything having to be just, equal, and fair, just enjoy them for who, what, and where they are.

Until next year, I love you all,

St. Nick

St. Nick's words to me are very true. This holiday season, and for the rest of the year, I promise to do my best to live up to his "however."

St. Nicholas Day is one of those traditions that was passed down from my Mom to me. It connects me to my extended family, our cultural heritage (a little bit at least), and makes me remember many of the good times I had growing up (thank you Mom and St. Nick). Our celebration has also has created some wonderful memories for my children, and me. Despite (or maybe because of) St. Nick's "however" this year, I really hope that I am passing on, to my three children, what my Mom created for me. I hope that they will look back and continue the St. Nicholas tradition for their (future) families and have years and years of fond memories as well.

Hey, and maybe next year, I'll only get one lump of coal :)